


you gotta show the world that something good can work

by wuwu



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, spoilers for sevens name, uhh idk ill add more tags when i publish more chapters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-11
Updated: 2017-05-13
Packaged: 2018-10-30 18:02:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10882077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wuwu/pseuds/wuwu
Summary: Growing up believing that he should stick to the heterosexual norm, being in a committed relationship with a verymaleJumin Han has certainly been a ride for Zen's self concept. Confused as to why he feels shame for his relationship, Zen must also navigate the troubles of the media reporting a relationship with a female companion that he does not have. Rather than come out with his actual relationship, he supposes that he'll just have to find a girl to show off.





	1. theres a spanner in the works

**Author's Note:**

> i read somewhere that zen has no homo vibes and then i thought about. Bad no homo vibes so here yall go
> 
> (surpise surprise i publish another chaptered fic when ive got other fics to finish hahha a,, im a mess)

When they first started seeing each other, Zen was over the moon. Of course he'd never admit to it, but he knew that he was head over heels in love with Jumin Han.

Sometimes Zen would sneak out of his house and arrive at Jumin’s doorstep, telling the guards he had RFA business with the heir. That would _always_ let him in; no questions asked. Jumin would scold him in that voice of his, a scoff at the back of his throat with a roll of his eyes, but he would quickly recover and pull Zen into his lap, hands roaming over his chest and down his arms and fingers would press into his hips and he'd be putty in Jumin’s hands. A kiss to his collarbone would silence him, a kiss to his neck would leave him mewling out, and a kiss to his lips would only muffle the inevitable.

“Are you sure we can't tell the other members?” Jumin would ask in the comfort of the night, in the glow of his fish tank, in the hushed honking of the streets down below.

“Eventually we will,” would be Zen’s response. He'd hold on to his _eventually_ s for as long as he needed, grasping for a future he wasn't ready to pursue.

“They're our friends,” Jumin would say, voice soft and delicate as if he were afraid of scaring the other man off. Zen appreciates that.

“I need more time.” The response that never failed, the pleading undertone of his statement, the unrecognized discomfort that weaves throughout. _More time_ , he would say. _Not yet_ , he would cry. _Just a little longer._

Yeah, okay.

 

* * *

 

There was always something about Jumin that could bring instant relaxation to his bones despite their familiar bickering. During practice, after the director would yell and yell and yell, Zen would be sent off for a breather and he would dial Jumin’s number, phone ringing warmly against the hollow of his ear. It only rings once this time around before the _click_ of the call being answered is heard followed by Jumin’s monotonous greeting.

_“Hello, Zen, how are you?”_ Zen knows that although lacking in vocal cues, Jumin’s heart is always there, never uncaring.

“The director isn't happy right now,” Zen explains, “So I'm outside while he cools down.”

_“You haven't been smoking, I hope? We agreed you wouldn't.”_

“No, no, I haven't smoked all day,” Zen grins. “I wanted to talk to you so I wouldn't feel tempted. And so I could brag about my streak to you, of course.”

_“Hmm? Are you asking for a reward?”_ There's a lilt to his voice, something cheeky and hinting at the night that will soon fall, and Zen is glad that he's sitting on the front steps because if not his knees would surely give out then and there.

“Maybe I am if that reward involves you… and me… and maybe a bed if we're patient enough,” he mutters. “After dinner, hm?” Amusement tugs at his lips and weighs on his chest, sending him into a rush of adoration.

_“If you let me finish my work I can arrange for a meal in the penthouse,”_ Jumin cooperates. _“I'm too tired to go out somewhere. I just want to relax with some wine.”_

“Ah, I can give you a massage!” Zen suggests. He kneads his own hand into the top of his thigh, pressing his fingers into his skin as if to confirm he's got the strength to release Jumin’s tension.

_“Hmm, are you certified?”_

“You know I'm not.”

_“Pass.”_

“Hey!” Zen shouts out. He can feel exasperation begin to flow through his veins, but the primal need for Jumin’s appreciation outweighs it. “You jerk, this is the chance of a lifetime.”

_“I’m kidding,”_ Jumin says in that breathless sort of way of his after he's laughed. He sounds light and carefree, not at all stressed. _“You know I'd never turn down an opportunity where I can get your hands on me.”_

A knock on the door behind him throws any and all thoughts of intimacy with Jumin out of the window. One of his co workers, an extra he's not too familiar with, peers through the window of the closed door and points behind herself, signalling that his break is over. Zen quickly pushes down the flush on his cheeks with a nod to the girl.

“Sorry, babe, but I've gotta go,” he apologizes. “Seems like the tantrum is over. I'll see you after work in a few, okay?”

_“Let yourself in if I'm not back. I'll see you soon.”_

“Bye bye,” Zen says emptily. An unsaid _I love you_ lingers on his tongue, but he's yet to have the courage to say it. He needs more time.

Ignoring the heaviness of his heart, Zen clutches his phone in hand and jogs back into the building, rushing to put his phone in his bag before the director can scold him once more.

 

* * *

 

The day is warm, the rush of people has calmed, and there's a sense of sleepiness in Zen’s legs that he doesn't mind as he makes his way into the small cafe. A small group of students sit in a corner and the rest of the building seats a few couples and the ever present lone student typing away hurriedly on a laptop. Zen waves to Jaehee as he passes, a smile on his face as she moves behind the counter to fix his usual drink. Stepping around tables, Zen finds his way to where MC sits, a small cake sat in front of her untouched. She waves him over, hair braided behind her ears and apron set off to the side in the booth. She looks cozy in the corner, Zen thinks.

“You look beautiful as always,” Zen compliments her as he slides into the booth. The cushion is soft and he sinks in comfortably.

“Why thank you, Sir Zen,” she smiles. MC passes a fork over to him as well as a napkin just before Jaehee comes to deliver their drinks.

“You look lovely, too, Jaehee!” Zen exclaims. “Your hair's getting longer every time I visit.” Jaehee tucks a strand behind her ear, a tint of crimson growing on her cheeks.

“Thank you,” she says quietly. “I quite like it this long again. I can finally have fun with styling my hair.” She holds her drink tray to her chest while she talks, arms crossed.

“Sometimes she does my hair!” MC pipes up. Her smile is radiant, fingers brushing past her face to run through her brown locks. “She braided it today! I think it looks really nice, don't you?”

Zen nods encouragingly, hands moving out to grab his drink. “Maybe I should have you do my hair, too,” he comments. “See if you can bring out my beauty even more.”

“I doubt I could do the impossible,” Jaehee shakes her head. “But I'm willing to do my best.” She opens her mouth to say more, but the ringing of the bell above the door catches her attention, so she politely gives her regards before standing behind the counter.

“She looks more lively every day,” Zen muses. He watches as she works methodically, albeit with a passion in her eyes that never leaves. She works with a purpose, hands flitting around an array of machines as she adds in flavors and creams with a joy she never expressed at her old job as an assistant. Zen smiles.

“She really loves her job,” MC agrees. “She's always making coffee or tea whenever I come over, and she bakes lots of sweets, too.” Zen glances over only to see MC gazing lovingly at Jaehee, fork hanging loosely from her fingers while she leans on her other hand to observe. Her eyes are lidded just slightly, face relaxed as she watches Jaehee send off another customer. If she were a color right now, Zen thinks she would be a rich peach.

“Are you two dating?” he asks jokingly. His tone is teasing, but he's entirely serious as he pops the question. Although not obvious in the chatroom, he's seen the way they've grown closer, and he's especially noticed how relaxed Jaehee is around her.

“No, not yet,” MC sighs.

“Wait, _not yet_?” Zen almost slams his cup down, but he restrains himself and sets it on the table as gently as he can.

“I was hoping to ask you for advice,” MC admits as she looks over to him. Her eyes are forlorn now, a twinge of apprehension on her features. “I don't know how to ask her out or even if I _should_ ask her.”

“You totally should! You two would make a great couple, I bet.” He nods in agreement with himself as he picks up the fork, cutting off a piece of the cake before stabbing it with his utensil.

“I know we would!” MC laments. She cuts off a piece of cake, filling squishing out as she does so with a bit too much force. She sighs as she chews on it thoughtfully. “But she's always going on about how she hopes to find a boyfriend in the future. Someone nice and chiseled and similar to _you_.”

Zen shifts uncomfortably.

“I'm just saying that she's probably _painfully_ straight,” MC groans. She shoves another piece of cake in her mouth. “I don't think I could handle the rejection… So that's why I need your advice so I can make sure I do this the right way.”

Thoughts race a mile a minute in Zen’s mind as he pops a tapioca pearl on the roof of his mouth. Does she think he's gay? Does she know about him and Jumin? Have they been too obvious? Maybe he shouldn't go over to his house as much anymore. Is it the clothes he wears? The makeup? Yeah, he wears mascara and sometimes a little eyeliner but that's nothing too effeminate, right? _Why would she ask me?_ Why _would she ask me? Why would she ask_ me _?_

“Why not ask Saeyoung?” Zen supplies, sipping on his boba tea with nerves that threaten to break out into a sweat. “Wouldn't he be someone more suitable for you?”

“Just because he's also bi doesn't mean he's the best choice,” MC huffs. “He's not very practical and that's the only thing I need to be for Jaehee. And you've been in lots of dramas, so I figured maybe your show biz knowledge could help me.”

Zen lets out a small sigh, one that carries the weight from his shoulders and leaves him with a hollow taste in his mouth. His hands grow less sweaty and his breathing settles as he thinks, cheeks sucked in while he wonders aloud.

“Take her out somewhere,” Zen says. He looks back over to where Jaehee sits at a table next to a college student. She points at his laptop screen and he watches as the kid furiously types while she nods along. She's patient with him as he presumably revises whatever he'd been typing, and Zen knows he's in safe hands. “Maybe to a park, or on a hike, or even just out to town. I think she'd like to experience new sights with you.”

MC stirs her own drink with her straw, fingers poised lazily as she does so. “She wants to renovate the cafe for autumn,” she hums. “And there's a new exhibit coming to the museum next week, so maybe I could take her there. See if the colors could spark a theme for her.”

“That'd be nice,” Zen says. “And even if things don't work out, which I doubt, you could pass it off as a business trip. Or even just something between friends. Your call.”

“You said something surprisingly sweeter than I thought you would,” MC laughs. “I wonder why.”

Zen chokes on his boba tea. “Must be the novels I've been reading,” he lies. Dread settles in his stomach and he wonders if he really should buy some more romance books to have a reliable excuse. He's already got quite the collection, but nothing too raunchy.

“Maybe,” MC nods. “But I hope you find a girl soon, Zen. I think you'd make a great partner.” She gives him a smile before looking back toward Jaehee. Zen feels sick.

He doesn't need a girlfriend, but nobody knows that. Nobody but him and his _boyfriend_. Maybe that's for the best, though. Nobody would be able to shame him, nobody would be able to think any less of him, nobody would ruin his life because of who he is.

Even so, the thought of staying closeted leaves a vile taste in his mouth. Zen takes another sip of his drink.

 

* * *

 

As soon as they get in the limousine, Zen can feel Jumin’s hands grabbing at his coat lapels, pulling him closer and closer until their noses are a hair's width apart. Jumin is warm against him, pupils blown out and smile hazy as he slides his hands up to run through Zen’s hair. His skin sparks beneath Jumin’s touch.

“Happy five months,” Jumin whispers, voice low and soft, soothing to Zen’s ears.

“Happy five months,” Zen echoes. His hands settle on Jumin’s hips, grip just tight enough to register that he's there, he isn't going anywhere, they're okay. The thoughts are comforting at first, but as Zen feels the vehicle start to move, he sours.

“Zen? Is something wrong?” Jumin questions him quietly, face moving back a few centimeters as he examines his boyfriend. He's always been too much of a worrywart despite his cold exterior. Zen loves that part of him.

“No. Yes. No, just--” _a sigh_ “Can we wait til we get there? Before we do anything?” His eyes shoot over to Driver Kim in the front seat as he shifts nervously.

Jumin follows his gaze and frowns. “Driver Kim wouldn't tell a soul,” Jumin assures him. “Firstly, it's part of his job to respect my privacy, but he's a good man. He's not one to be interested in scandals and the like.”

_I need more time._

“No, I know,” Zen nods. He's talked to Driver Kim quite a few times before while waiting for Jumin to get out of meetings, but that seems to make it even worse. “I just… Not now?”

Jumin furrows his brows and sighs. “Okay,” he relents. He's got a look of disappointment on his face, an expression that pulls at his eyes and forces his lips down, yet Zen can't hide the feeling of relief he gets when there's a few inches between them and Jumin is sitting properly in his own seat.

Zen places his hand atop Jumin’s just to be safe.

“I'm sorry,” he mutters.

“I know.”

Zen feels complicated.

 

* * *

 

Zen perks up at the sound of his phone ringing, the familiar tune fluttering about the room as it grows louder with each second. A few heads turn his way, so Zen quickly grabs it and holds it to his chest, already hopping out of his chair to go outside.

“Sorry, guys,” he apologizes, however the smile on his face betrays any sense of being sorry. “Business call! Be right back!”

He doesn't even wait for the answer from his cast members before running off, thumb clicking _answer_ as he exits the building with a large breath.

“Hey, babe, what's up?” he asks. He brings his hair in front of his chest so he can fix it in a loose braid with one hand.

_“Ah, it's nothing,”_ Jumin says. He sounds distant, lonely, tired. _“My mind was just wandering and I didn't even notice I was calling you. My apologies if I interrupted practice.”_

“You know I'm always happy to talk to you,” Zen tells him. He keeps his voice low, words soft. “Were you thinking about anything stressful? Or are you just tired?” His hand slows as he listens, unfocused on his surroundings.

_“Our latest project has been taking longer than expected. It's been interrupting my other assignments, so I'm having a bit of trouble balancing it all.”_ The weariness in his tone is easy to detect, and it tugs at Zen’s heartstrings.

“Are you sure it's okay for you to be on the phone with me, then?” Zen asks worriedly. “I don't want you to fall behind.”

_“Whether or not we continue to speak, my work will be set back no matter what,”_ Jumin sighs. _“If anything, talking with you should clear my head and help me refocus.”_

“Okay, just don't skip out on work too long,” Zen says. “But hmm.. what to talk about? Oh! Have you heard anything from MC?”

_“What about her?”_

“She finally got around to asking Jaehee out,” Zen grins. “Says that they're probably going to be an item now pretty soon. Ahh, how sweet.” He gives a whistle to nobody in particular, smiling at the rustling he hears that signals Jumin undoubtedly had to move his phone away.

_“I'm happy for them,”_ Jumin congratulates. _“But now you bring up the ever present issue between us: When do you plan on letting the other members know about us? I don't particularly like the tiptoeing we do in the chatroom.”_ He's tired of hiding. Zen knows.

“I know I said that we would tell them soon but,” he groans. “How do I just tell them we're dating? How do I know they'll be okay with it?” _How do I know they won't make me feel more ashamed than I already am?_

_“Zen, you don't need to worry about their opinions,”_ Jumin says quietly. _“Saeyoung isn't exactly the posterboy for heterosexuality, MC and Jaehee are going out, and Yoosung is a college student who has probably seen more on campus than he should. Nobody is going to put you down. I'll make sure of that.”_

He just can't do it.

“Yes, but for them to know that we--” Zen stops himself. He knows that two men dating shouldn't be a big deal, but it feels like one to him. It feels like if anyone knows then they'll say they always knew, that they wondered why he even bothered to try hiding it, that they could tell from first glance. “I don't want anyone to know about our relationship, yet. I know it's been almost a year--”

The sound of a bag thumping on the ground behind him makes Zen stop in his tracks, fingers clenching his phone as his heart thumps erratically in his chest. It feels like it's going to beat, beat, beat until it can beat no longer, and he'll collapse on the ground with nothing but immense shame festering in his lungs. Zen stops breathing.

_“Hyun? What's wrong? What happened?”_ Jumin’s voice registers in his ears, but Zen can't comprehend the meaning to his words as he's spun around by a coworker, legs locked as he stares aimlessly.

“Oh, Zen! I'm so happy for you!” His costar says, hands clapping together excitedly. She smiles brightly, red lipstick vivid in his mind. “I didn't know you found yourself a honey!” She seems oblivious to his distress, lost in her thoughts as she waits for him to hang up.

“I have to go,” Zen says into the phone.

_“Please, tell me what-”_

“I have to _go,_ ” he repeats. Zen doesn't wait for a reply before he ends the call, fingers quickly shutting off his device so Jumin can't send an onslaught of calls and texts. He turns back to his costar and sends her a smile, one that he can feel wavering, but he does his best to hide behind it anyway.

“Why didn't you tell any of us that you had a girlfriend?” she pouts. “You've been hiding her for a whole year, too!”

Zen bites his tongue on accident. “I guess the secret is out,” he chuckles. It’s too late to lie now. He feels like a poser. He wishes he would have collapsed from fear instead. “Sorry, but I wanted to make sure things were serious, and I didn't want paparazzi all over us.”

She dismisses his apology and goes on to congratulate him while she picks up her bag, steering him back inside so she can announce the news to everyone. Before he has the chance to collect himself, before he has the chance to rush out of the building, before he has the chance to ask her to keep his secret, she excitedly reveals the news to the rest of the cast.

Zen is ruined.


	2. you gotta step up your game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zen gets an idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ya ive got no update schedule and i can never let a fic sit in my drafts lol so here it is ,,, so soon

For once, Zen is grateful that the security guards know about his relationship with Jumin. Usually he would shy away from the guards, looking toward the ground as he walked by, but he's got no time for being shy as he rides the elevator up and stares down the men guarding Jumin’s door when he arrives. They can see the way his foot taps nervously, his frazzled hair, the sweat that rolls down his face, and they open Jumin’s door before he even steps out of the elevator. He's hot and sticky and his chest is heaving, but Zen manages to avoid running into the room and causing a bigger scene than necessary. Only when he hears the door shut does he tear off his coat and throw himself onto Jumin’s bed.

Jumin isn’t home yet, most likely held up by his newest project, so Zen takes this moment to unwind.

And by unwind, he absolutely means freak the fuck out.

The entire cast knows that he is in a relationship.

Pros: maybe this will be the push for him to come out. (No, it won't be.) Everyone thinks he's straight, so now he knows nobody would ever think he was something other than heterosexual. (The thought of them not knowing causes knots to form in his stomach and labored breaths to heave from his chest.)

Cons: everybody thinks he has a girlfriend. (Isn't that what he wanted?) He is going to have to show the public who he is dating once social media blows up. (Maybe this could be a boost of confidence?) He doesn’t have a _girl_ _friend_ to show off. (Yeah, no positives here.)

He knows that he could use this opportunity to _finally_ tell everyone that he's been dating Jumin Han for about 9 months now, but he _can't._ For the world to know that Zen isn’t considering settling down with a nice woman fills him with dread and disappointment.

He's supposed to be straight.

It's not even like he has anything against others who happen to be gay or bisexual or whatever they choose to identify as, but for Zen? He can't handle being different like that. He feels wrong, he belittles himself, he pushes expectations onto himself as if people are going to say “Wow! You're so talented, it's okay that you're also into dudes!”

Zen doesn't even realize he has tears in his eyes until he hears the door slam and looks up to see an equally frazzled Jumin. He wipes at his eyes and scoots further back onto the bed as Jumin slips off his jacket and steps closer.

Zen doesn't know why he came here.

“Zen, what happened earlier?” Jumin asks, eyes wide as he watches Zen attempt to compose himself. He puts his knees on the bed to begin crawling over, but Zen puts a hand up to stop him. Jumin sits on his legs instead. “Was it something I did?”

Shaking his head, Zen lifts his knees up so he can rest his forehead against them. He doesn't meet Jumin’s gaze. “No, you didn't do anything wrong,” Zen sniffs. He picks up one arm to wipe his nose on his shirt sleeve. “It was a stupid mistake that I made. And it might fuck me over.”

“Whatever it is, I'm sure there's a solution for it,” Jumin reasons. He remains in place, but his fists clench and rest atop his thighs, hands strained as he does his best to wait for Zen to calm down a bit more. Zen feels even sicker. “We can work through it together, so please, tell me what happened.”

Zen decides _fuck it_ and waves Jumin over, sighing gratefully when he's wrapped in a tight embrace. Jumin kneels awkwardly in front of him, but he cradles him carefully and makes sure not to suffocate him.

This _is why I came here,_ Zen thinks. This is home.

“Someone overheard our phone call,” Zen whispers in a regretful voice. If only he hadn't been so loud, if only he kept things short, if only he paid attention to his surroundings, if only, if only, _if only._

“How much did they hear?” Jumin doesn't even flinch, doesn't rear back at Zen's news, and he knows it's because the fear of getting found out hasn't been mutual all these months.

“I don't know,” Zen answers, unsure. “But she heard enough to go tell the crew that I had a girlfriend. Haha, this sucks.” He opens himself up so he can hold onto Jumin as well, arms moving up and in between the space where his arms and torso meet, and Zen clutches onto the back of Jumin’s shirt as if he'll sink into the ground any second without someone to keep him afloat.

“And what did you do?” Jumin spurs him on. His voice never raises, but the raspiness of his voice can be heard more as the conversation carries on.

“I didn't do anything,” Zen groans. “I just thanked them for all the congratulations and… and I left. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if I should have corrected them or if I should have asked my co-star to keep it secret, but it doesn't even matter. I couldn't find it in me to speak, anyway.”

“You know that no matter what course of action you choose that I'll be behind you all the way,” Jumin reminds him, “But you might want to take this opportunity to tell them the truth. It's not good to try and live a secret life.”

Zen nods solemnly. “I know that. I do, I really do, but there's no way I can manage that. I'm sorry.”

Jumin releases a breath from his nose and backs away from Zen a few centimeters, not enough to separate them, but enough for them to look one another in the eye.

“Are you embarrassed of me? Do you not want to be seen with me?” He sounds hurt. Hurt like he's been keeping these thoughts simmering in his mind, like they've been picking at him day and night until he's rusted to nothing but doubt. “I'm starting to get the feeling that you don't enjoy my company as much as I do yours.” He threatens to spill tears and Zen kicks himself for it, because nobody makes Jumin Han cry. He doesn't weep for his father, doesn't shed tears for Elizabeth the 3rd, doesn't bare his insecurities to the world. He keeps his thoughts inside until he reaches a conclusion himself, or until the weight of his troubles bare down on him until he's forced to seek help. He's been reduced to rubble.

“No, that's not it,” Zen quickly assures him. He cups Jumin’s face in his hands, fingers wiping away at the trails that streak down his cheeks. “I'm not ashamed of you.” _I'm ashamed of myself._ “You're absolutely amazing in every way, and I would give up anything to just lay in your arms for all of eternity. Hell, I'd give up anything if it meant I could spend just a few hours with you, just a few precious minutes. I love you with all of my heart, Jumin. Nothing will change that fact.”

“Then why?” He speaks in nothing louder than a whisper, nothing more than the ghosting of a question in fear of his voice cracking should he choose to be more vocal.

“I don't have the courage that you do.”

Zen doesn't elaborate any more as he presses a kiss to Jumin’s forehead and pulls him closer, bodies colliding and laying stacked together as he brushes his fingers through dark locks. Jumin closes his eyes as he presses his nose into Zen's chest, eyes screwed shut as he manages his breathing. His shoulders tremble, but he eventually accomplishes his task of regulating himself. Zen watches with distant eyes, hands moving on a loop as he focuses on the here and the now.

“I'm sorry you have to deal with me,” Zen mutters. Jumin shakes his head and turns so his ear is pressed against Zen's chest, no doubt hearing the erratic thumping of his heart.

“I told you on day one that I would wait forever and a day for you,” Jumin smiles. His eyes are tinged with impatience and perhaps regret, but sometimes Zen can never tell what's going on his mind. “My declaration still stands. Sometimes I do get annoyed, but my love for you is far stronger than any irritation you may bring me.”

Zen kisses the crown of his head before laying back.

 

* * *

 

 

The guys in the cast invite Zen out drinking the next day. To celebrate his love, they said.

Zen declines. They whistle at him and joke that his girl has him on a leash.

He goes home and Zen drinks himself into a stupor.

 

* * *

 

 

When Zen logs on to the chatroom, he's bombarded with a flurry of messages that he's too tired to read. It's been almost a week since some news crew got wind of his “special girl” and Zen’s been feigning sickness for the duration. He's sure everyone is trying to wrap their heads around it.

 

 

**_ZEN has entered the chat room._ **

 

 **Unknown:** Finally

 **Unknown:** Now saeyoung can shut up

 **707:** ZEN!!!! YYORE HER E !!!!

 **707:** _has sent an emoji_

**707** :  _has sent an emoji_

**707:** _has sent an emoji_

**707:** _has sent an emoji_

**Unknown:** =_=

 **Yoosung** **★:** Seven;;;

 **707:** I cant help it !!! this is big news !!!!!!!

 **Jaehee Kang:** Yes, it certainly is…

 **Jaehee Kang:** _has sent an emoji_

**Yoosung★:** We should support Zen! Even if he _is_ the first one to get a girlfriend…

 **MC:** You don't know my life, Yoosung.

 **707:** Tsk tsk, amateur boy.

 **Yoosung★:** Don't shift the focus to me!

 **707:** Ehh, but wait… Hasn't Jumin been awfully quiet?

 **Jumin Han:** I'm not here.

 **Jaehee Kang:** _has sent an emoji_

**Jaehee Kang:** Then why even bother logging in…

 **Jumin Han:** ..

 **MC:** lolololol

 **Yoosung★:** Who cares! Zen!! Why didn't you ever tell us about your girlfriend… T_T

 **ZEN:** Not you guys, too…

 **Jaehee Kang:** Pardon us for seeming too forward, but really it is to be expected when something this… scandalous occurs.

 **707:** Who's the lucky lady??? owo owo owo

 **MC:** owo

 **Unknown:** -w-

 **707:** :O SAERAN

 **Unknown:** shut up..

 **Yoosung★:** Yes, tell us!!

 **ZEN:** I don't know why any of this matters…

 **ZEN:** I'm still the same dashing man you all know and love.

 **ZEN:** _has sent an emoji_

**707:** Hah? Ur no fun zen (◞‸◟)

 **MC:** No fun allowed!

 **Jaehee Kang:** Calm down, you two…

 **707:** Sorry, miss.

 **MC:** Yes ma'am! (﹡ˆ﹀ˆ﹡)

 **Jaehee Kang:** _has sent an emoji_

**Jaehee Kang:** Anyhow, I hope you do not mistake our curiosity for rudeness. We are all simply wondering who you could be dating, since we've never heard of a relationship from you.

 **ZEN:** It's… complicated.

 **Jumin Han:** Hmm.

 **ZEN:** Back off..

 

**_Jumin Han has left the chat room._ **

 

 **ZEN:** Oh boy.

 **Unknown:** Seems like he isnt very happy with this situation

 **707:** Maybe Jumin is just a sad lonely man …

 **MC:** I hope he's okay. He never leaves like that unless something’s bothering him.

 **Jaehee Kang:** This is certainly an issue.

 **Yoosung★:** Maybe we should go check on him!

 

**_ZEN has left the chat room._ **

 

He's really got nowhere to hide.

 

* * *

 

 

Zen gets the idea a couple of days later. He's running on his treadmill, towel hung loosely over his shoulders as he tries to ignore the grating wheeze of the conveyor belt and the loud thumping of his feet. The machine trembles and shakes as he runs, but he pushes himself until he can run no longer and allows himself to slow to a brisk walk as a cooldown.

As he takes step after step, music playing on a loop through his speakers behind him, Zen stops. He catches himself before he's swept away and thrown to the floor by the treadmill, quickly turning it off as he positions his feet on the plastic outskirt so he can breathe in peace.

He's been tossing around the idea of getting a fake lover, either paying them in cash or just letting their time together be all the payment he would have to provide. Of course it seemed like a stupid idea, so he had tossed it away, but as he thinks of MC and her caring nature, he brings the thought back.

She's always been so nice to him, and he hadn't hid his attraction toward her when she first joined, so perhaps she could be…

No! She has a girlfriend!

But nobody knows…

Fuck it.

 

* * *

 

 

Peeping through the hole in his door, Zen scans the outside area, checking to be sure there's no crowd of photographers and sleazy paparazzi waiting around outside. When he can only see MC, hair tied up and tucked into her hat, he releases a sigh and opens the door before pulling her in. She stumbles against him, but he has no time to waste as he shuts the door and steadies her with his other hand in one quick movement.

“You're awfully paranoid,” she mumbles as she takes a step away from him. She removes her hat and hangs it up on his coat rack, fingers threading through her hair so she can let it down.

“Sorry, I'm just tired of all the commotion,” Zen sighs. “Hopefully it dies down in a few days.” He continues to spy through his peephole for a few more seconds before turning around to see MC making her way into the kitchen to fix herself a drink. She's polite when she needs to be, but he's quickly learned that neither likes to put on airs when they're together in private.

“Yeah, it seems like it'd be tough to manage,” she nods. Her hands curl around her glass of iced tea, the very same drink Zen made just a few hours ago in preparation for her visit. He hopes it isn't too bland. “How are you holding up?”

“Could be better,” Zen shrugs. He makes his way to the kitchen as well, taking a seat at one of the stools he has placed beneath the lip of the kitchen island.

“Is there anything I can do to help?” she asks. “Obviously I can't get the attention off of you, but I could always help you around the house so you can relax some more. Oh! But only if your girlfriend is okay with that. Does she know I'm here?” She runs her hand through her hair again, fingers toying with the ends.

“I don't have a girlfriend,” Zen blurts out. Might as well get things over with. He's always been a good actor, that he's sure of, but he's no good with lying when it counts. It eats away at him and takes bits and pieces of his personality until he's worn out and exhausted all the time.

“C’mon, you don't have to hide her from us,” MC grins coyly. She takes a sip of her drink before continuing, eyebrows raised as she looks back to him. “I'm sure we'd get along great with her.”

“No, I actually don't have a girlfriend,” Zen repeats. “It's something the press made up.” He buries his face in his hands, breath hurrying out of him in one great _whoosh_ as he slumps forward.

“Something they made up? Then where did they get the idea from?” She's a smart one. Can't have a rumor without a source, after all.

Zen pauses before he answers, still jittery with the fact that he won't be able to take back this conversation. He won't be able to hide and laugh it off and say _haha just kidding! I'm an actor, did I fool ya?_ This is permanent.

“One of the leads overhead a phone call I had,” Zen admits. He doesn't meet her eyes, doesn't listen for a bated breath or a gasp of shock. “And from lack of context, she assumed I was talking to my girlfriend. But she doesn't exist. And I just went along with it.”

MC squints her eyes. “Who were you on the phone with, then? You had to have been saying some romantic stuff for her to make such a finite assumption.” Zen looks up quickly, watches as she tries to put the pieces together, and he looks back down toward the counter, lungs halted in their respiration.

“Jumin,” he mutters, ever so quietly. His name weighs heavily on his tongue, leaves his heart beating spontaneously, gives him goosebumps and a tightening of the throat as he sits there.

“What?”

“I was on the phone with Jumin,” Zen says louder, clearer. Admitting it feels like a rush of euphoria, but dread hangs on tight and keeps him glued to his seat. The revelation is bittersweet. “We've been dating. Almost 9 months now.”

Zen is glad she was holding her glass only an inch above the table, for she drops it in disbelief and the clatter it makes as it falls startles him enough to make him jump.

“Are you serious? Like, actually _actually_ serious? There's no hidden cameras or anything?” MC’s hands flutter about, fingers darting from her hair to the hem of her shirt to the drink she abandoned and all the way back up in a cycle.

“Sorry we never told you guys,” Zen says sheepishly. He lays his forehead on the counter, arms hanging from his sides as his voice echoes off the countertop. “I didn't want anyone to know, so he agreed to keep it a secret. You're the only one who knows.”

There's a silence that follows for a few moments, and Zen is ready to be ridiculed in his own home, but suddenly there’s the clacking of heels and a pair of arms wrapped around him and he doesn't know what to do.

“I'm so happy for you two,” she says softly. Her words tickle his ears. Zen shivers. “I never thought you would find someone, and nobody ever thought _Jumin_ would find someone, either, and oh how sweet that you two-! It's nice to know that you don't completely hate each other's guts. I'm sure it must have been difficult to hide, and I'm so thankful that you told me. Oh, Jaehee is going to be so--”

“ _No!_ ” Zen shouts, glad that MC steps away in shock so he can shoot up out of his seat. His head swims as he stands, but he ignores the feeling as he turns to stare down at her. “Nobody else can know. Please.”

MC takes a step back and frowns. “Nobody is going to laugh,” she starts. “Yeah, you two are like mega opposites, but I'm sure everyone can get over it and will support you. There's no shame in going out with someone you didn't like once upon a time.”

He shakes his head minutely. She doesn't get it, either.

“My life would be ruined if the public found out I was with a guy.” _If_ anyone _found out, really._ “I’m only telling you because I trust you, and…”

“And…?”

“I have a favor to ask,” Zen says, heart full of sorrow and stomach pumped with anxiety. “You don't have to accept, I don't want to force you to do anything you're not comfortable with, but I would really appreciate it if you considered it.” His head hangs lower and lower as he speaks. He feels like it might roll off of his neck like fruit from a tree, ripening until it can ripen no longer and is forced to fall from its branch, only to be left rotting on the forest floor.

“You know I'd do anything I can to help,” MC smiles. She picks up her hands and places them on his shoulders, rubbing gently until she can get Zen to look her in the eye. “What do you need?”

“I need you to pretend to be my girlfriend.”

The silence that follows is suffocating.

**Author's Note:**

> next chapter: zen.. is a fool
> 
> coming: soon ?


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